Last night friends, I watched both the Emmys and the WWE’s “Night of Champions” simultaneously, and I have (you’re welcome) recapped them for you here exactly as I experienced them. I opted not to watch the red carpet for either so I could grocery shop, which I erroneously thought would be easier during the “Game of the Week.” Turns out however, that that game was, in Troy Aikman’s words, “terrible football,” and everyone decided to go to the King Soopers instead. But now I’m back, I have my Tina Belcher mug full of wine, and I’m set to go.
The segue from football to the Emmy red carpet is kind of awkward. Michael Strahan and Terry Bradshaw are physically leaning too heavily on every man they interview. Equally as awkward as the WWE trying to stretch two hours of things actually happening into a four hour event at SummerSlam. I hope Andy Samberg recovers.
My only hopes for the evening are that “Mad Men” and Tatiana Maslany get the respect they deserve, and that Charlotte wins the Divas belt.
Ryback vs. Kevin Owens goes up right as Andy Samberg’s monologue starts. As soon as Samberg says, “Justin Timberlake is not coming,” I go into the other room to check in on Kevin Owens. I know Ryback is responsible for CM Punk’s life-threatening staph infection and all, but I think he is kind of cute. I like how he embraces the whole “Feed Me More” thing. Jane Lynch appearing as the Shame Nun coincides with the bell ringing for the match. Just me? Or does everyone at the Emmys’ hair looks like shit? Ryback, meanwhile, is not winning best actor, as he spends a portion of the match in an armlock, clearly putting his hand over his mouth to mutter directions to Owens. Allison Janney wins Best Supporting Actress for “Mom,” and sets an Emmy record for seven acting wins. The other seven (SEVEN) nominees immediately relax. Meanwhile, Kevin Owens escapes a seemingly inevitable defeat by raking Ryback across the eyes while in a suplex, forcing him to drop Owens and allow a pin. Yes, it was cheating, but I still cried when Owens won the Intercontinental Title. The man works hard and loves his children.
Anthony Anderson tries to make a porn joke that doesn’t seem to land while in the other room, Dolph Ziggler enters. He is rocking tights that feature Lana’s face over his crotch. He kisses his hand and smacks his junk upon entering the ring. The cameramen seem to be under order to not have a full shot of him. “Veep” wins best comedy writers. Thank goodness someone is being celebrated for treating women well.
Ricky Gervais gives Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy to Tony Hale. “Veep” is sweeping. Everyone has prepared speeches so far, which is boring. There is not going to be any McConaughey antics here. Television actors are much more earnest but much less dramatic than movie actors.
Summer Rae has entered the ring as Rusev’s valet but wearing the earrings gifted to her by Dolph Ziggler. Although the camera has veered away from the Lana portrait on Dolph Ziggler’s crotch, we get a full view of Summer Rae’s GK Elites when she falls from the ring after throwing her shoes at Rusev. She cost him the match! Maleficence! But she was wearing Dolph’s earrings!! This is the soapiest plotline I have seen in some time from the WWE.
Meanwhile, Jill Soloway and Jeffrey Tambor won for their respective duties (directing and acting) on “Transparent.” They are very heartfelt and wonderful and on the best show you forgot you had because you wanted free shipping.
Tag Team Time! The New Day enters with Xavier Woods rocking a Rufio ‘do. He is only playing the trombone again. Does he wrestle anymore? Apparently not, since just as the Dudley Boyz are about to win, he runs into the ring to kick D-vad in the head. Maleficence! But the New Day get to keep the Tag Team belts despite the disqualification.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus wins best comedy actress. I am super bummed for Amy Poehler, who really, really deserved it for “Park and Rec” and Amy Schumer, who really deserved it for “Inside Amy Schumer.” “The Voice” wins best reality show. I am super bummed for America about this, but at least Mark Burnett conspicuously left Cee-Lo out of his cast thanks.
I take a break to give my full attention to the Divas Championship match (good thing it’s the “movies or miniseries” segment over at Emmy central). While I do not regret my choices, the Divas match was terrible. Of course I had hyped it to myself for a while because Charlotte Flair was up against record-breaking Divas belt holder Nikki Bella. I had forgotten that Nikki Bella is an awful wrestler. The match hinged on the tired trope of Charlotte immediately having an awful knee injury. You know, when she landed on her feet outside the ring. Nikki played on that injury for the majority of the match instead of actually wrestling. Not very interesting to watch, and only proved much more clearly how lacking Nikki Bella is. Charlotte managed to suck it up and turn in a Figure Eight, forcing Nikki to tap out, and Charlotte’s sincere tears at her win made up for the garbage we endured to get there.
Catching up in EmmyLand, Bill Murray won Best Supporting Actor in a movie or miniseries. He was not there to accept, as he (hopefully) had many merry pranks to pull. Frances MacDormand has won Best Supporting Actress, and appears to not be wearing makeup and has her hair pulled back in a simple ponytail. She is so brave. Maggie Gyllenhaal has a very soothing voice for an old woman.
Lady Gaga presents Best Actor in a Limited Series. She has a rough time reading well. This does not make me hopeful for “American Horror Story” this season.
Fred Savage is here to talk about series finales. He has not aged a second since Kevin Arnold. The Emmys spoil every show that they can.
CHRIS JERICHO IS REIGNS AND AMBROSE’S MYSTERY PARTNER?! Fuck all of this. I decide my time is better spent checking the Seahawks-Green Bay game. Or reading. This match ends with Chris Jericho foolishly tagging himself in and Braun Strowman holding him like a little baby in a choke hold. DUMB. UGH. I am finally going to read some James Joyce instead of watching this trash.
J/K! “Inside Amy Schumer” wins Best Variety Show, and I am so pleased that this has not been some “Carrie”-like set-up orchestrated by the Emmy committee.
“The Daily Show” wins again as Seth Rollins finally rolls out for his first match. Do you get the irony? It’s because Jon Stewart ran out during the Rollins-Cena match during Summerslam and hit John Cena with a folding chair, awarding Seth Rollins two belts. Meanwhile, “Game of Thrones” wins best writing. Seth Rollins spends his first match of the night just headlocking John Cena. The “Game of Thrones” writers swear and try to keep the censors on their feet. They claim to be two schmucks who never stood a chance, but then one thanks his wife, Amanda Peet. I am starting to worry “Mad Men” will not win anything.
And just like that Uzo Aduba wins Best Supporting Actress for a Drama Series. “Orange is the New Black” was a comedy last Emmys. Christina Hendricks looks disappointed. Uzo’s lovely tearful speech makes me feel guilty for wishing ill on anyone but “Mad Men” winning. As I resign myself to “Game of Thrones” being the “Veep” of the dramas, Peter Dinklage wins Best Supporting Actor.
John Cena has won his bout with Rollins. As Rollins tries to escape the ring, Cena AA’s him and Sting runs in. Sting is very old and has not mussed his helmet hair, but proceeds to kick Rollins’ ass anyhow. Rollins is already tired and is no match for an old man.
Just as all seems lost, Jon Hamm wins Best Actor in a Drama. I start crying like Charlotte won the Divas belt all over again. Jon Hamm gives a very quiet and restrained acceptance speech. I think he thanks his ex, Jennifer Westfield, or at least I hope he did. Viola Davis wins Best Actress, and I really can’t be mad. She is phenomenal in “How to Get Away with Murder,” and also I went to high school with the creator of the show. Viola Davis quotes Harriet Tubman (who should totally be on the ten dollar bill) in her speech and is all around inspiring and stunning.
Meanwhile, Sting is giving it his best for an old man, but then Sheamus darts in to cash in his Money in the Bank briefcase. He does not get to win, though, because suddenly! Ohbagod! The Demon Kane(!) appears.He is back from vacation. He choke slams Sheamus and choke slams Rollins as Sting creeps back to the safety of the locker room. I am not sure who won. Night of Champions ends with the ring bathed in red light and Kane triumphant, so I guess he won?
It was a mediocre pay-per-view at best. I am pleased with the winners, but the execution was extremely lacking.
We forget all that pain when Mel Brooks comes out to present Best Comedy series. Mel Brooks heals all wounds. It is known. He keeps it short and sweet though, and gives the Emmy right to “Veep.” We knew this would happen.
But then! Then! The clouds part and the heavens sing and Celine Dion is at the Emmys? Maybe she is just there to see the miracle that is Tracy Morgan present the last award. He looks great and threatens to impregnate many people at the after party. I can’t stop crying, I am so happy he looks well. I don’t even care that “Game of Thrones” beats “Mad Men” for the Emmy.
So, in summary: both the Emmys and Night of Champions were slow-moving, predictable, and I cried anyway.