There’s quite a bit speculation on the I-webs about Lisa Vanderpump’s condition this week.

As last night’s “Best Year of Our Life”-themed episode of “Dancing with the Stars” opened, Tom Bergeron teased the fact that she had passed out in rehearsals, was sick in bed as they spoke, and it was a question mark as to whether she was going to dance at all. Gleb Savchenko, Vanderpump’s pro partner, dramatically entered the dance floor all by himself, prompting Twitter to let us know exactly how they feel about Lisa V.

But the drama didn’t stop there.  There are lots of questions among the Conspiratazzi about whether this was or was not a real development. Did Vanderpump faint? Or did she feint?  The major point of contention was that the incident was filmed without any concern for her health (check her fainting spell at the 1:41 mark in the video below). The cameraman just keeps on shooting, the producers in the room observe from the sidelines, Gleb kneels calmly and asks if she’s OK while she lays unresponsive on the floor. Hmmm …

Everyone knows that when someone REALLY faints on a reality show, everyone poops their pants. It looks a lot more like THIS:

You can actually vote for what you think the real story is here.[ref]Spoiler: at press time, it was about 65% that she couldn’t / wouldn’t have possibly trumped up something so dramatic. The other 35% was split between “absolutely it’s fake” and “it might have happened off camera and then they recreated it,” which is telling in and of itself.[/ref]

So now … what would Vanderpump gain from faking a swoon? Airtime. Another week of dancing based on sympathy votes. $20,000. No way, right? She would never, right? HAVE YOU SEEN THE REAL HOUSEWIVES? They are not above this. That’s why you don’t cast those people. They have no souls, only hollow cavities behind their ribcages where they store up all the self-loathing they feel when they watch themselves on TV.  I am absolutely cynical enough to believe that Vanderpump made this all up thinking “if this works, I’m a geeeeeeeenius.” BS = detected. Lisa Fainted myth = busted.

To the results.


From the very top cluster of my Ep. 4 Power Rankings: Aly Raisman / Mark Ballas, Zendaya / Val Chmerkovskiy, Kellie Pickler / Derek Hough and Jacoby Jones / Karina Smirnoff

From the middle cluster on the Ep. 4 Power Rankings: Ingo Rademacher / Kym Johnson, Sean Lowe / Peta Murgatroyd and Andy Dick / Sharna Burgess (but not before being put in Jeopardy AGAIN, which is just more BS on top of all the other BS)

From the bottom cluster of the Ep. 4 Power Rankings: D.L. Hughley / Cheryl Burke


Victor Ortiz / Lindsay Arnold and Vanderpump / Savchenko


So long, Vanderpump. Don’t come back soon.

Biggest Surprise of the Night

That Vanderpump actually went home. I was pretty sure they were keeping her on there just to test fans of the show. PLEASE STOP TESTING US. If you’re going to choose someone we hate, please choose CM Punk or Hillary Clinton. And if you insist on choosing reality stars, please, sweet Jesus, choose June Shannon.

Biggest Non-Surprise of the Night

Brad Paisley performed, but decided against doing “Accidental Racist”